terrible human being

there are a lot of times i feel i fail as a human being

particularly as a muslim

this heart

is always betraying me

i feel hurt for things that do not harm

i feel stupid for just facing the reality

i feel defeated with the nature's work

i feel tremendously lazy to do my responsibilities

i feel annoy to face and deal with human

i feel wanting to just terribly punch or hurt myself 

there are too much times where i could not consider myself as a normal people

i ask Allah to really help me

because i really know it is all just a FEELING

played by the devil

to manipulate and destroy me

O Rabb, You say that I can ask You to change my heart when i do not feel anything while performing my solah, reciting Al-Quran or just reflecting myself. O ALLAH, PLEASE CHANGE IT RIGHT NOW. i need such a help, guide me, bless me.

baitul warithian's ramadhan

The Ramadhan this year will end in just a few days

and I, am still busy 'practicum-ing'

=.=' sigh

.I miss baitul warithian.

.I miss being there.

Ramadhan = baitul warithian's most glamorous, cherished and precious moments

Ramadhan bersama mereka, 2 tahun menikmati manisnya ibadah bersama, usai solat terawikh kadang-kadang kita duduk menyantuni isi hati, menyantapi pengisian rohani, tiap solat kita mengejar masa menyelit untuk bersama, tadarus di dalam ruang kekangan masa, kadang-kadang lewat malam kita bangun, mengejut yang lain untuk mengejar syurga-Nya.

Ada waktu, buka kita hanya teguk air di perjalanan pulang kelas, ada peluang, kita  bersyukur nikmat kebab di musolla, ada ruang, kita gembira bersama di rumah, memasak dan berbuka, dengan apa adanya yg kita punya. Ada tika, kita melangkah pulang malam, bertanya pada Illahi, rahmat yang manakah milik kita bulan ini?

Terima kasih, cuma itu yang mampu aku ucapkan. kalian benar-benar mengajar aku seribu hikmah. bahawa Ramadhan itu tentang isinya, bukan tentang bulan atau pengakhir saja. Ramadhan itu tentang bersaing. dengan diri dan nafsu, untuk menjadi yg terbaik bt Illahi.

Kalian, doakan aku moga tsabat. doakan aku moga kuat. moga hilangnya kalian nt, tidak bererti hilangnya manis iman dalan jiwa ini. benar. kalian yang terindah buat diri.

salam sayang, lillahita'ala.

buat Nurul 'Atiqah, Norakmar Syazni, Syamim, Razaini, Hanisa, Nurizwah

moga Allah kan pertemukan kita dengan insan-insan yang lebih menyintai-Nya kelak.

1st Ramadhan

today is my first Ramadhan with hubby

my first Ramadhan as a wife

:)

and i am not really well actually

melepek kat katil dr mlm td

and hubby did almost everything

he sahur by himself as I was really incapable to wake up

he washed and hanged the clothes sebanyak 2 baldi besau

T.T

O Allah, May you bless him and love him, guide him and care for him

as much as he tries to love and comfort me

he has tried to be the best husband as Rasulullah asked

and i solely hope i can become more solehah for him

=)

thinking

when I went to this class of mine this morning and started teaching literature

"Anansi and the Turtle"

when I asked them

"If you were the Turtle in that story, what would you do? Just imagine.."

and I found all the students were flipping through the textbook

-.-

when I wrote on the blackboard

"People who do not do their work and keep talking"

and listed few names

a student raised his hand and asked me

"Teacher, copy that eh?"

-.-''

perhaps, teaching based on textbook BLINDLY without knowing our students does harm our generation

and I hope I won't be the one who relies solely on that, in future

thinking how can I help them to do some thinking

WORK HARD PRAY HARD

insyaAllah

1st day: choral speaking

Exhausted. Tiring. It is our first day. Lots had happened. and the lost of energy? nothing to say, school has drained us out.

come to school, meet the headmaster(GB), GPK koko, GPK 1, receive timetable, rearrange our portfolio, consult the teachers that we 'steal' their time, enter 6X, teach them choral speaking (which actually just listen to them as they love to shout and they can't listen my voice T.T, need to use had-clapping strategy), screaming, get their attention, showing fierce face, do some house-keeping things, go back to IPG.

solat, fall asleep at surau for a few minutes, go to lang. department, meet supervisor, rearrange folio again, then problem arise 

"hey, we can't teach year 2 cause they use KSSR..we are not permissible to do so.."

"why?"

"we didn't attend the 5-days course for it"

"when did they tell us about that?"

"that day la, dewan kuliah baru's talk"

"ohhhhhhh" T.T

meet supervisor again. she didn't know about that. call the GPK, get scolded, with cold voice, bad, then drive car to photocopy some things, meet friends about it, ask again, they are not sure, go upstairs to unit prac., close oh my prac!, call them, no one answer, stress.

go to release stress, eat at halalan toyyiba, there the cockroach, streesssss. go back :D at least we get to eat delicious food as for the whole-day suffering.

joking. tomorrow, will be continued..

professional development

this is supposed to be written yesterday, a day before the practicum start. but never mind, as long as the work done ;p

This practicum is the first and last for us, the students of B.Ed (TESOL-Macquarie) program and for sure, I am terrified and overwhelmed at the same time. My mind lingers with too many questions which make me dizzy where to begin. However, some most prominent is asking myself of what good teacher is, the behaviour of a teacher, the judgement every teacher made in their teaching, the rationale thinking lies behind every act, and the ultimate question is, how? how? how? how can we do that? am I able to be like that? As the worry gets me nothing, I tried to search for clues and information about the school I get and talking to more experiential people in this field for some tips and advise.


My school, XXX, is a boy-school where most of trainee teachers who went there claimed the students were naughty and hard to be controlled. They asked me to be as vigilant as I could, to avoid any problem arises. Some also said that the headmaster was quite fierce and tough. The others said the teachers were not really helpful. Honestly I am extremely scared to face all of these, but it is not fair to judge them without even knowing them and just listen to Tom, Dick and Harry's saying. So, I decided to suspend my judgement, prepare myself to face any situation and to expect for the worst.


I read through few notes and keep my mind positive towards this teaching experience. I recall all of super-enthusiastic teachers and lecturers and remind myself of each advise they gave me. Jean Brick, one of my lecturer there, who does always show her utmost positive attitude and high interest in her teaching, caused us to feel and treasure such a condusive and lovable environment for learning. Mdm. Mariah, the one that shares her inspiring stories of teaching the young hearts and teach us to see things and hurtful memory from different angle and perspective of life. I believe that these people are the one who made and mould human being. and I, simply want to be one of those. 


I pray hard to God to enlighten my heart and my students' heart to keep learning and improving. To help us keep moving and help each other. To appreciate and love one another. To allow me to fulfil my duty as what the generation needs. God, show me the way, and I promise to myself to work hard as best as I could. Insya-Allah.   

what will i pray for?

sometimes, i am in the middle of moment,

where i can't think of what to ask from Allah

good job? calm life? money? family? health?

i seriously could not think of any, as what i asked before, 

which i think was the best for me, 

did not seem one

inability to decide and choose

as a human, that is my restriction

I ask Allah to give the best for me

whatever it is, whenever it should

"He knows all that is before them and all that is behind them, but they

 cannot compass it with their knowledge"

Taha:110

i should not ask Allah to lighten my burden yet to pray Him to grant me stronger iman

:)

i'm going to school

hey, 

next monday, i'm going to school

i admit i am afraid, a little nervous

i heard many stories and advises from seniors and lecturers

it sounds scary

pfttttt

Ya Rabbi, show me some compassion and help me along the way 

to be honest,

i am not really good in this language though, i don't think i can bare with the expectation that you set for me, i am sorry if i am not up to what you want.

but please, listen to me and believe me that i am doing my very best, with all strength and passion i have inside me, to educate you, my students, to help you becoming better human being not only false-alarm grammar machine.

if i do mistake, correct me. if you do mistake, i help you.

this learning is not only about you, it is about me too

let's improve. i hope Allah will help all of us, the teachers, the students and the parent & society to be better

ameeeen

p/s: i hope i don't sound like a year 1 little girl or a kindie going to school. :)

beauty

In the life where beauty is set as thin, being normal seems ugly :)

please, don't make people feel that. It is sinful to lie and destroy the confidence

:(

don't give up

O Allah, please! save them as the way You have saved me

let them see You, O Allah, the Almighty who forgives almost everything

O Allah, please let them know that everything is possible when they are sincere 

"Katakanlah "wahai hamba-hambaKu yang melampau batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri! Janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sungguh, Dialah Yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang"

Az-Zumar:53

"dan (juga) orang-orang yg apabila mengerjakan perbuatan keji atau menzalimi diri sendiri, (segera) mengingat Allah, lalu memohon ampunan atas dosa-dosanya, dan siapa (lagi) yang dapat mengampuni dosa-dosa selain Allah? Dan mereka tidak meneruskan perbuatan dosa itu, sedang mereka mengetahui.

Balasan bagi mereka ialah ampunan dari Tuhan mereka dan syurga-syurga yang mengalir di bawahnya sungai-sungai, mereka kekal di dalamnya. Dan itulah sebaik-baik pahala bagi orang-orang yang beramal"

Al-Imran:135-136

No matter who, Whatever sins we had committed, Just believe this

That it is very possible to turn it around and change it

cause Allah says so

DON'T GIVE UP ON OURSELVES

pasar malam

aku tahu. pasar malam atas ni bukan pasar malam kt Malaysia. aku cuma nak gambarkan perasaan aku semalam. maaf aku mmg pemalas bab ambil gambar random sekarang. :)

cuba bayangkan. dalam penuh-penuh-sesak pasar malam. ada 2 orang perempuan. seorang pegang tabung, seorang pegang poster and pamplet. jalan sampai hujung, pusing, jalan lagi smpai hujung. pusing. bagi pamplet, senyum-senyum. usha-usha minta duit. sambil jerit 

"mai, mai beli lampu tuk Palestin. sekupang boleh, dua kupang pon boleh. mai, mai derma!"

 tapi budak2 perempuan tu bukan berdua sahaja, raaamaaaaiiii lagi budak-budak perempuan-perempuan yg datang membantu. mahu meminta manusia agar celik mata isu Palestin. untuk sama-sama membantu saudara kita. dan aku belajar tentang sesuatu semalam.

the feeling and sense of rejection. i felt tremendously shy and embarrass to be honest to do it. I was not the one who could easily shout as my friend (May Allah bless her as she shouted for good cause), so it was a big deal for me to do it. and the rejection from the people had added up to it. blurrr. frustrated. feeling ignored. burden. GO AWAAAAYYY-feeling that might stir in everyone's mind had caused me a great humiliation. but then. i was paused, how about the peminta sedekah yg biasa kita tgk tepi-tepi jalan? yg org suka buat muka akan kehadirannya? apa perasaan Palestinian? when the world ignores their helpless voice and shout??? 

at least, i could say this thing would end in just a few minute, but for those people, will they know when it will end? will they be able to buy food in the next minute? will they alive after a second? 

betol.

andai anda mahu bersyukur, belajarlah melihat orang yg kurang dari anda. belajarlah untuk duduk bersama mereka dan merasa kepayahan mereka. maka anda akan berasa beruntung dengan apa yang anda punyai.

and just a light reminder for myself, just in case i refuse to this kind of job next time, 

do you know 'atiqah?

tahukah kamu orang yg mendustakan agama?

maka, itulah orang yang mengherdik anak yatim

dan tidak mendorong memberi makan orang miskin,

maka celakalah orang yg solat,

orang-orang yg lalai terhadap salatnya,

yang berbuat riya',

dan enggan memberikan bantuan.

 (al-Ma'un: 1-7)

that was the most longest of one hour i ever spent 

=.=

.May Allah forgive me for my wrong-doings and keep remind me for my illiterateness of reading Your signs.

:http://www.aqsasyarif.org.my/2012/05/projek-one-family-one-lamp/

@&%^$BB post

i am ruined for this day

bad tragedy, bad mad, bad emotion, bad thinking lead to bad sleep

i really hate when my sleep is interrupted with worldly affair

the whole dream world vanishes and shattered into pieces

terrible. and waking up is not as refreshing as i wish as a day-start

negative thinking surrounded me, the brain, and each of my action

oh i start to ruin myself

start to put myself into risk, not doing assignment, failing all the tasks of daily basis

yeah, i woke up lake today. and i have a lot of commitment today

not feeling of doing any

want to lay down and have a rest, staring ceiling all day

doing nothing but only thinking

screaming, yelling, making others feel bad

o rebellious devil-like soul, GO AWAY.

hey, i am in lecture right now and writing this @&%^$BB post.

and reading a book 'stolen' from Tika:

chicken soup for the soul: THINK POSITIVE

.let's boost my positive thinking, praying Allah will help me.

lemah

Kadang-kala, hati ini sering-sering mengugut aku

akan janji yang ku lafazkan saat aku terumbang-ambing

aku berjanji dgn DIA

akan lebih menumpahkan taat setia

akan lebih jujur saat jiwa berbicara iman

akan lebih ikhlas utk turun ke medan jihad

untuk lebih bersedia menjalan tugas hamba

.lesu.

.kecewa.

'hey atiqah. mana pergi janjimu? mahu dia menarik kembali anugrahNya?'

bukankah cabaran itu santapan jiwa pendekar?

mana mungkin si penakut mampu berdiri di barisan hadapan

mana mungkin andai kau sering-sering menolak peluang

mana mungkin andai kau menidak kebolehan

astaghfirullah

.berikanlah aku kekuatan.

'Ya Allah, berikanlah kami,

 iman yang sebenarnya sehingga kami tidak lagi gentar atau mengharap org lain selain Engkau sendiri'

lemah. x mahu aku futur dlm perjuangan ini T.T

weird dream

last night, i had a weird dream.

not scary one neither tears-all-over kind

it was weird, to meet someone from my cohort in secondary school setting

dreams should be in its places

should not be scattered

and yeah, she was not one of my league

and she's a year older than me

but in that dream, she was one year younger from me

one thing i can't forget, she said to me

"you know, i am trying to change so hard. i tried. will try again"

perhaps i ignore her too much back days,

i left her helpless

i didn't behave like a muslim sister to her

i had a big slap last night

scared like hell

oh, forgive me dear, forgive me Allah

.should be more attentive to ummah.

alhamdulillah,

it has been 74 days

and hoped to be forever till Jannah

:)

:)

Biarkan dia menjadi 'Umar

untuk ketegasannya mempertahankan agama

Relakan dia menjadi Fatih

agar dia mampu menjadi sebaik-baik jundi-Allah

Redhakan namanya Zayd

mohon agar dia juga menjadi kesayangan Tuhan dan RasulNya

Raikan dia bernama Safiyyah

atas ketabahan dia menjadi 'asing' dalam dunia ini

Doakan jiwanya Aisyah

buat kekentalannya menegakkan kebenaran Illahi

Rindukan dia bernama Maryam

atas kesolehan yang menutupi ruang lingkup hatinya

Doakan mereka begitu :)

ameen. insyaAllah.

buat al-hubb

Ya Allah

Jika kau jadikan dia air,

Maka jadikanlah aku manusia.

Agar hilangnya dia,

Membuat jiwaku resah menunggu.

Ya Rabb

Jika kau takdirkannya udara

Hidupkan aku sebagai manusia

Kerna tanpa ia

Tumpaslah kudrat nafasku

Ya Illahi,

Jika ketentuanMU padanya laut

Jadikanlah aku manusia

Kerna dengannya

Aku terbuai dgn tenang

Ya Tuhan

Jadikan dia antara makhluk-makhlukMu

yg sering merinduiMu

yg sering menginginkanMu

sering-sering kepingin berjuang untukMu

kerna aku

mahu jadi insan yang tak pernah jemu merinduinya

saban ketika juga waktu.

-wifey ^.^-

lari tajuk

see what's in the red circle?

yes! indeed! a reminder, for me and you. us

"look after what makes spouse happy and Allah gives you happiness in return"

and do read this verse frequently

al-furqan:74

oh, i miss this marriage course that i took when i was in ozy. it is so 'aliiveeee'! ;D

no sleepy-head stage 1.

yes. i miss everything there :}

ek? this is a post with 2 contents and feelings though ;p

insyaAllah

i just want to dance in the darkness

with music in my ears

i just want tu run away miles

with infinity energy engulfing my legs

i just want to scream

loud out loud through my trachea

i want to say i love u mommy

but nothing goes out

it is on Allah i lay everything. He knows what best and not. He knows how weak i am. He knows this little fragile heart. He knows so much. He knows everything.

HE SURELY KNOWS WHAT IS THE BEST FOR MUM

.insyaAllah.

Hold HIS hand 'atiqah. Hold HIS, mum.

we will be strong together

a hopeful dream

is not only about yourself

:)

ambang ~.~

berbicara tentang cinta dan harapan

dengan insan-insan yang positif

benar benar anugerah dr Allah

hidupkanlah hatiku Ya Rabbi

agar jujur dan ikhlas mengejar rahmatMU

agar tabah dan redha menghadapi ujianMU

Ya Rahman, limpahkan jiwa dan hati ini dengan kasih sayang dan kesabaran

limpahkan ia dengan tawakal padaMU

.ameen.

forgive me, pleaaaseee?

forgive me, please? do you?

i know lately, i get so annoyed and be annoying

i did not be able to tolerate, be patient, and did not do or finish my work

i am bad

oh

and i don't like the way i am right now

so annoying

mr.tunang, kakya, mak, abah

i know all of you hate me right now

could you please give me a second chance?

regret

tengahari td,

baru perasan, akhir-akhir ini kesabaran setipis buih

sering-sering marah tanpa batasan, mengomel tak berhenti

then, petang tadi baru dpt iktibar

bahawa natijah tidak sabar

adalah lebih teruuuuukkkk

berbanding sabar

faham x? -.-

contohnya, bila anda marah mak masak tak sedap

then ngomel2, sambil hentak kaki, mak pon marah lalu bg makanan pd pengemis

natijah tak sabar: dh lapo x makan, mak marah pd kamooo

natijah sabar: perut kenyang, mak sayang walaupun makanan hari itu tak kena selera kamu

:)

.O ALLAH.

menghadapi gerbang ini

tak tahu mengapa Allah sajikan aku

dengan cerita-cerita negatif perkahwinan

tangis, duka dan lara tentangnya

entah

aku memang belum mengerti pahitnya

dan aku harap Allah membantu aku sepanjang perjalanan ini

O Allah, tawakalkanlah hati ini

bersihkan jiwa ini dari prasangka

moga ia hanya berharap pada redha dan restu-MU

.ku harap dia juga begitu.

pissed off.

pissed off

sangat-sangat la haiiii~Ya RABBI!

tahu x bile kita bt research, kita ade part terminology? or apa2 perkataan biasanya kita akan cuba define it. kan? kan?

rasa-rasalah kenapa org bijak pandai anugerah Allah bt PHD master bagai fikir it is a must to define some terminology that you are going to use in your research proposal?

ABSOLUTELY!

everyone has different background that moulds their understanding and perspective. Therefore, it is crucially important for me and every human in this world to try to help other people to understand what we mean, by helping them to know message we convey.

dear, it is not about norm, you can't blame people if they don't and can't understand you.

or is it because there are times I did that to others?

.astaghfirullah.

do reflect yourself 'atiqah

feeling

it will be just another few weeks

just around the corner

i could not able to say it to anyone

or cry on any shoulder

that feeling

it is not sadness that paints my heart

it is not hatred that covers it

it is not everything that usually made me cry

it is just something

that i do really worry

please. please. please.

"jadikan aku wanita syurga"

"yg kenal benar maharku"

"yg tahu apa erti taat pada laku"

"yg indah pd maksudnya"

.Ya Rabbi, bantulah aku.

.tunjukkan aku jalanMU.

-lafaz sakinah

be realistic

.be realistic.

today, we had some simple discussion with our new mentor, Mdm Wan, and introduced ourselves to the extent of 'why we are getting married in this such young age?' and 'are you already sure that you have met the cream of the cream of best man out there?'

oh, yeah. i'm not sure to be honest and truthful. no body of us can be sure of that. if i do it means that i have been living like 100years and that's not even enough in way to investigate who is the man. but in this world of mystery and surprise, i solely hoping that God will help me along the way.

If He decides to let me marry young, that is His way teaching me of responsibility.

If He wants me to be extra tough, then He will give me some burden to bear.

If He wishes to grant me blissful life, He teaches me to expect the unexpected.

Things are only happen

.When He really thinks I am capable of living it.

seek no other than HIS-bless

regards,

wife-to-be