it's ok, it's ok.

i was once hard-hearted

then i realized

man, did not like that one

so, i decided to change myself

being hard-hearted is equal to be independent and do thing on your own virtue

so, being soft-hearted is to do things based on people's feelings

if they don't like it, you don't even talk about it, don't try to trigger it

try to follow your path

what you reckon wrong, and i kept doing it wrong and it hurt me damn hell

i avoid it

but then you said i was so dependent

'tak taulah klu i mati nnti apa jadi"

i was like...what?

do you think i am that useless?

so, that day, slowly i decided to have myself back

and today

you said i ego, tak dgr cakap, hati keras

fine

* i would never forget what you said to me once i was 5 months-pregnant
that was my turning point

second dilemma

This pregnancy is almost the same as the first

There are days I vomit non-stop

Especially when my emotion is not stable at all

There are days I enjoy eating

which is rareeeelyyyyy to happen

Whatever it is

This pregnancy makes me more fragile

selalu nak rasa sedih

jadi akan link kepada jadi emo

T.T'

Zayd kena marah teruk hari tu

it makes me miserable till today :(

O Allah, give me strength and patience

tougher and resilient

tak perlu menangis

tak da siapa akan menghargai air mata itu

malah mungkin akan mengecilkanmu

tak perlu marah

kerna tidak berbaloi sekali perasaanmu itu

malah mungkin meremehkanmu

anak-anak

adalah anugerah

walau apa cabarannya

anak-anak

adalah jiwa dan hidup umi

demi Allah umi mencuba

being soft and dependent, were things i tried to be. 

it was hard, and unappreciated.

better be the one i used to be

be tougher be resilient

Alhamdulillah 'Ala Kulli Haal

Alhamdulillah 'Ala Kulli Haal

katanya this phrase should be said when we receive bad news only

i like to have it whether it is good and bad

because i know 

every bad things that i perceive, there is a good thing behind it

every good things i have, surely there is a challenge i need to face

and i want my heart to know

whatever it is

it is what we call dunya

a place of challenge and tribulation

there are no eternity here

this news is the good one

surely

but it is going to be the tough one

surely

may Allah bless me

May Allah bless abi, umi and Zayd to receive new people in our family

May He provide us with energy and patience to handle and cope everything 

in good and gentle manner and attitude

:)

cita-cita

Saya tahu

perempuan yang sangat solehah

mampu membangunkan rumahtangga dan anak-anak dengan baik

dan dalam kes ini

dalam masyarakat, 

perempuan sesuai sebagai surirumah

saya tahu mungkin itu yang terbaik

tapi untuk diri saya

saya punya impian

saya mahu jadi seseorang yang penting dalam bidang pendidikan

because education is a process where people can be a better human

and i strongly believe it is essential to mould a good muslim

i have my degree and pathway that not everyone has it

:')

i want to change these ridiculous system and policies

i want to change this absurd mindset

i want to kick people who are selfish

but somewhere my 'kudrat' is not enough

and i pray to Allah 

He will show me my way

:)

Perempuan

Lately ni, i have a feeling

perhaps because of the story i was fed,

by the media and also reality.

penatnya jadi perempuan.

salah kena, tak salah pun kena

listened to the story where she was raped, tortured and killed because she refused to have sex

listened to the story where she was hit because her husband was tired and children were crying

listened to the story where her husband forbade her to meet her family and locked her

listened to the story where all the responsibility of bearing children were put solely on mother's shoulder because that's the nature of woman: to bear children

the list goes on, like crazy

what is more crazy? the society blames them. 

the worst? the so-called religious society blames them

'tu la, x nak dengar cakap suami'

'tu la, padan muka kuar rumah sorang-sorang'

'kan dh kata kena sujud kat suami, buat je la'

and i almost scream it out of my lung

no, this is not my religion. My religion is not biased.

deep, inside, i pray to Allah.

no Allah, this is not the case. 

i know you are true and compassion. it is the man that misunderstands your word. help me to understand this.

An-Nisa

especially verse 32 (i favour this one)

there are so much explanation He says about me and you. 

He is so-just that He never underestimates woman. He appreciates us and makes rules to protect and guide us all. 

It was all man-made rules that oppress us.

falsely using His-name.

O Allah, have mercy on us, and help us, and show us ways to save us from the oppressor

*save some time and watch this video about the famous 'ayah' that usually used to oppress woman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1azySjz4edk

Aim

it has been a long time

i bid farewell to this blog

temporary farewell

bhaha

ntahlah maybe sebab banyak benda berlaku

laptop rosak

kerja tak habis

Zayd sakit

Amir plan nak smbg master but then tangguh

Then, last night we had serious discussion bout it

apa yang kita nak cari sebenarnya dalam hidup ni ya?

kita nak amek master just because everyone is doing it? nak people regard us as educated? nak naik pangkat cepat?

if the uni is far, then we spend thousand hours, money, energy and life on road

or do we do it for the sake of getting more knowledge? to have better influence in society to preach Islam?

but if that so,

we should not neglect the responsibility to our children, wife, parents isn't? we should spent time playing, talking, visit, help them. Do we have the time and energy to do so? Will we do it with good emotion? or will we make them feel like they are burden?

if that so,

we should still able to pray in masjid, 5 times a day. we should able to go to majlis ilm. at least one a week. we should able to go out and meet our neighbour. at least twice a week.

hemmmmmmmm

memang la menuntut ilmu tu jihad

tapi

kalau hari tu dah lambat g kelas, sembahyang zuhur kocoh-kocoh, pandu laju gila membahayakan orang lain, pastuh excident, mati.

hemmmmmm. jihad x eh? 

-.-

things to ponder and tajdid niat

al-mulk:2